I am grieving

Trigger Warning: Mention of Suicide

I am grieving. I am mourning a loss that I was unaware of until this moment. This void, this emptiness within me is present since childhood, has now been explained in therapy, that my emotional needs were not met back then. I have been attempting to fill this void with my relationships, especially romantic relationships, mistakenly equating them with love. Looking back, I question whether I’ve truly loved someone or if it was simply an attempt to fill this emptiness. Now that I have this insight, it’s left me in shock and deep contemplation. I am having a very hard time processing this information.

While I always knew about this void, I lacked an explanation until now. This void not only affected my romantic relationships, but also my connections with friends, colleagues and even managers at workplace. While these relationships are essential, I have often rushed into them, neglecting their natural development and sometimes allowing some people to take advantage, resulting into toxicity. I am deeply fearful of experiencing this emptiness to the extent that I rely on at least one person to fill the void, to put them on a high pedestal, and it terrifies me to the point where I cannot express my feelings if they mistreat me, or their behavior is unacceptable. Their perception of me holds significant value, and their validation means so much that if they were to point out any wrongdoing, it would severely affect my self-esteem.

In my last organization, I put my manager on the high pedestal, and she severely damaged my self-esteem. Although there were other factors in the play like the toxic work culture and lack of communication, but I was severely impacted for the past 9 months. Recently I started a new job with the intention of starting fresh, but I am terrified of repeating the same pattern, I might have already started seeking romantic relationships or individuals in positions of power to put on pedestal.

It is frightening to face the void and it often leaves me numb and frozen. My longing to fill this emptiness is perilous to me, and if it remains unmet, I experience significant distress and I feel suicidal. Now I understand why I find solace in sad songs. Even when I am happy, a part of me craves for the emptiness because I have grown accustomed to its presence. I do not think I have ever truly experienced happiness.

As I write this, I wish I could scream, cry and share it with someone who does not exist because of whom I do not feel whole. This is what it feels like to constantly feel empty. A span of 34 years of emptiness and I wonder how much longer this will persist? I may never have all the answers.