I am healing again

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Suicide and Suicidal thoughts

The relapse

The past four months have been one of the hardest periods of my life after my time in the US in 2018. Every day was a battle of choosing life over my helplessness to succumb to my pain. I relapsed in January. This time, unfortunately, I was triggered by my friend over one of my life choices. She walloped me with her words and my mental health spiralled. The trigger invoked my old self filled with self-doubt, suicidal thoughts, dissociation from the world, severe depression, panic attacks and so much more. I was already in denial about what I thought was love, and I did not want to acknowledge my feelings.

After this incident, I was extremely suicidal. I was dissociated from everyone around me. My office colleagues became worried and started inquiring about my mental state. I informed my manager that I was grieving and would need some time off. During this time, I realized who truly belonged in my life. I didn’t have the strength to get out of bed, let alone text people randomly. Those whom I thought would be there for me in times of crisis didn’t even check up on me for months. I have a wall in my home where I fondly put pictures of people I love and who are important to me. Only two of my friends from Delhi showed up and made sure every day, through texting and calling multiple times a day, that I was okay. Also, my fitness coach and my friend checked on me every week. He was very kind and made sure that I was alright.

The battle I fought alone

I feel upset with those individuals who didn’t support me when I needed them because I know I was there for them. I reached out for their assistance, and they responded initially, but then they disappeared. I cried out for help, asked some to check on me daily, and invited others to come to Pune, but it became clear that I wasn’t a priority for any of them. I would never abandon someone, especially knowing they’re struggling with suicidal thoughts and have a history of mental health issues. It seems like people take me for granted, assuming that because I’ve overcome challenges before, I can do it again. During these past three months, I’ve come so close to ending my life multiple times.

However, what I truly needed here in Pune was someone to hug, someone with whom I could share my tears, someone to confide in during a crisis. Sadly, there was no one. Despite believing I had a solid support system, it turned out to be nonexistent. My therapist gave me some grounding techniques to help soothe myself during such hard times. By the end of the day, I was so drained that exercising or even taking a walk seemed impossible. Despite feeling hungry, I lacked the desire to eat. Consequently, I began drinking almost daily and indulging in high-calorie foods and desserts. The guilt would overwhelm me the next day. I always felt guilty the following day. I started gaining weight rapidly which spiraled me further into depression. I couldn’t comprehend why I felt compelled to drink or eat despite deriving no pleasure from it. In my last therapy session, I asked my therapist what is the reason behind it. He smiled and said that he could tell me, but it would only be significant if I realised it on my own.

The realization

I remember thinking the entire week that in my next therapy session, I needed to figure it out, or else the constant weight gain would push me over the edge. Two days ago, I took myself on a date after a long time. During that date, I had a huge breakthrough. Although I constantly analyze the ‘why’ of my compulsion to eat and drink, suddenly I realized that since I don’t feel any happiness within, I try to seek it outside. The explanation was extremely simple, but it took me so long to understand.

Beginning of healing and next steps

I had such a peaceful sleep last night. Today, I enjoyed homemade food after a long time. I ate all my meals on schedule, took a shower, did some chores, and even managed to take 14,000 steps on a Sunday. I’m starting to feel better, and I’m happy now. I’m considering starting my support group to help myself and others like me who silently suffer. I’m feeling tired now, so hopefully, I’ll get a good night’s sleep tonight. Signing off.