“Every Night, I Cry Myself To Sleep” My Battle With Depression

Trigger Warning- Mentions of Depression, Suicide

I have been trying to write for so long now. The thing with depression and prolonged trauma is that it becomes a part of your life. You constantly expect bad things to happen to you and believe that happiness will never knock at your door. 

I do not feel like eating anymore. I eat because I have to. I do not get cravings anymore. Though all of this is good for my diet. My digestion is messed up. I am scared of drinking because I do not want to be texting the guy I broke up with. I do not like the drunk version of me anymore. I feel shame and guilt the next morning after drinking and eating junk. 

I am breaking down every now and then. Lately, people who barely know me – my office colleagues, my house help, and shops I visit regularly, have started asking me if I am sick, just by looking at me. I almost break down but I control myself. I do not get this question asked by my own people anymore. I guess the people in my life are so used to seeing me in this state that seeing me at my lowest is no news to them. I feel extremely lonely. I am tired of doing it all alone for years. I have had a recent trauma which I shared with one of my best friends. One question I was asked in the middle of the narration was – “Why did you have to do it?”. The first response was – “It is your fault”. I do not know how to talk to anyone anymore without blame placing, name-calling, and pointing out my mistakes. I do not know how to just talk to anyone. And this is why I feel so lonely on this journey. I am so tired of fighting this on my own. My therapist is doing the best she could for the past 5 years. She is even available to chat with me whenever I text her. But she can never be my friend or family. It is just so difficult to find that one person to rely on and call in time of need. I do not have enough strength. I am tired of explaining to people around me how to be a compassionate listener without giving advice. It is too hard. 

Every night, I cry myself to sleep and I wonder how long I have to do this. It has been 12 years of me battling depression (and this is as far as I can remember and started getting treatment). My suicidal thoughts are in control because I am on medications and I have a great zeal to live. I have goals in my life. I want to work for mental health awareness and work towards reducing the stigma associated with it. But I do not know when I will sink into this black hole. I am scared all the time.