Coping Mechanisms

Trigger Warning: Mentions of Self-Harm, Suicide

This one has been in my drafts for the longest period. I finally get to publish this and that too with a happy ending. I am wondering where to start, this is a life story!

Old Coping Mechanism

The bookish definition of ‘Coping Mechanism’ is people’s patterns and behaviours in dealing with unusually stressful situations. As far as I can recall, my coping mechanism has been suicidal thoughts. While growing up, anyone, including acquaintances, had the power to impact my self-esteem. If anyone mentioned above said things like ‘I am not enough’ or ‘I am weak,’ I would believe them, internalize their version, and overwrite their version onto my identity. This is how it went – one conflict or one angry argument, and I would think they were right. The result was suicidal thoughts. Can you imagine experiencing suicidal thoughts every time there is discomfort? For at least 34 years of my life, I had no control over these thoughts. Suicide was my reflex to any situation. Over time, I learned how to talk myself out of the suicidal mode and feel grounded. It was such a heavy transition that I felt extremely exhausted both physically and mentally. My fight, flight, or freeze mode used to get activated, and I would freeze every time. I would feel numb for the next few days, and then I would feel guilty for not being productive during this time. Imagine the exhaustion that follows after each setback.

So anything from family, friends, and office colleagues would spiral and lead to suicidal thoughts, and the episodes would last for days, weeks, or months. Can you imagine the heaviness of living this kind of life? Not fighting with others, but with myself for almost 35 years of my life. For the past 7 years, I have been in therapy and on psychiatric medications. But in most of these years, my therapist and I focused on ongoing trauma. Trauma is not what happens to you; trauma is what happens inside of you as a result of any stressful event.

New Coping Mechanisms

A few weeks ago, when I was in my old apartment, someone close to me said things that deeply troubled me. In the past, I would have been triggered and accepted whatever they said, letting it affect my self-esteem. I would label myself as weak, self-destructive, ugly, fat, stupid, crazy, selfish, self-centred, or any other negative quality imaginable.

A few months earlier, someone who used to be very close questioned my entire existence. I relied on therapy, which has kept me alive and taught me self-love to navigate life’s challenges. Despite feeling shattered and triggered by their doubts, I did not experience suicidal thoughts. I was surprised and puzzled as to why this was the case. I refused to believe the hurtful words they used.

I took a deep breath and asked myself why I wasn’t feeling suicidal. I immediately reached out to two trusted friends. They guided me through deep breathing exercises and helped me regain my composure. It marked the first step towards overcoming this challenge.

The Win

Today marks my parents’ 35th wedding anniversary. This afternoon, I experienced a severe back sprain and have been confined to bed rest all day. I couldn’t work from home as sitting was too painful. Later in the evening, a situation arose that could have led me to entertain all sorts of negative thoughts. The old ‘Meghna’ would have let it affect her self-esteem, standing on the balcony, ready to jump; it would have been overwhelming for me. I anticipated being triggered.

My therapist instilled in me the practice of relying on my friends during a crisis. Following his advice, I called one of my best friends and told her what had happened. She was out, so I surprisingly wasn’t panicking and asked her to call me back when she got home. After hanging up, I realized I wasn’t having any suicidal thoughts, wasn’t triggered at all, and didn’t internalize anything they said. For the first time in almost 35 years, I know who I am, and no one can take that away from me. I felt relieved.

I texted another friend in Pune whom I love dearly and shared the good news. She was so happy for me that I cried tears of joy. We discussed how it took me nearly 35 years to believe in my version, whereas, for people who haven’t experienced trauma, it’s normal for them. Today is a significant day for me in this regard. Despite experiencing some painful moments, this is one of the biggest victories I will ever have in my life.

I am deeply thankful to everyone who supported me throughout this journey, especially my former and current therapists. To my friends who have seen me through my toughest times in the past six months, I appreciate your unwavering support. I love every one of you. Today, I took some time to treat myself. Signing off with abundant love and wishes for healing.