I am tired

I am tired of feeling anything anymore. Through therapy, I’ve come to understand that it ultimately stems from a lack of self-love. My therapist advised me to grieve the unfulfilled needs from my childhood. But I do not know how to grieve anymore. I am tired of seeking love in everyone and anyone who comes into my life and shows kindness. I begin to develop feelings for them. Earlier I used to confuse these feelings for love, but now I know it is coming from the place of emptiness. Now I feel like a lost person who is yearning for love. Although I have friends who may or may not comprehend my struggles, none of them are physically close to me. So I feel extremely lonely which leads me to seek affection from every person I encounter, a feeling that now fills me with shame.

I am tired of working on myself, unlocking a new level every time and then resuming the work again. However this time, I know that this void might never be filled. I’m embarrassed by the presence of this void, as it seems no one else can truly relate or say, “I understand, I feel it too,” except for my therapist. I am tired of surviving each day, waking up every morning, taking a shower and going to work – which is nowhere close to the purpose of my life. I decided that I would continue to work on the purpose of my life along with work. But I do not have the energy to do daily chores, let alone put extra effort into feeling close to the mental health field. It has started impacting my gut now. I do not feel like working out or eating anymore. I do not find pleasure in eating my favourite food or drinks. I try, but I do not enjoy it anymore.

This is not just a phase. I always knew this would happen. I do not have the strength or the willingness to explain to anyone what I am going through. Maybe, I don’t wish to endure it. Is this what it’s like to surrender? I have given up many times in my life, but this time it feels different. I do not even feel like sharing this blog with anyone. I am sure that no one can help me anymore – neither the prescribed medicines for depression nor the therapy work. I am not even sure I want to be helped. I am tired and I want to sleep. I am not scared anymore. I am sinking and I do not want to swim. I think this is the beginning of my end. Signing off.