Acceptance of the ‘void’, relapse and healing

Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicidal ideations. suicide attempts

I was 23 years old when I moved to the US for work. I was on cloud nine. I felt a sense of accomplishment, but there was a slight feeling of emptiness within. I spoke to my guru Vikrant Sir and sought guidance from him. He told me that when an individual attains success in both their personal and professional lives as per their understanding, yet something feels missing, it is the right moment to find the purpose of life.

The realisation of the ‘void’ in me

Life happened and a few years later in 2015, I came back to India. I realized I was inclined towards social work. My organization gave me opportunities to work with kids suffering from cancer and underprivileged students in village areas. I knew then that this was where I wanted to work. I tried to manage my work and visited schools in the village over the weekends whenever I could. The void in me only grew stronger.

Over the years, I went through different traumas in India and the US involving multiple suicide attempts. I have always experienced suicidal thoughts ever since I could remember. I did a lot of work over the past few years in therapy, but these years mostly focused on the ongoing trauma up until 2022 before I moved to Pune. My primary healing on unlearning childhood patterns started in 2023. I learned that I have been trying to fill the void through my childhood friendships and romantic relationships. A few months after realizing this, I found it challenging to coexist with the void unless I placed someone in it.

My therapist emphasized the importance of grieving and accepting the reality that I did not establish a secure emotional attachment in childhood. While I was grieving, I was about to attend my best friend’s wedding. Just days before the ceremony, I experienced intense suicidal thoughts, feeling utterly trapped with no apparent escape from my emotions. My mind convinced me that this perpetual struggle would define the rest of my life. Thankfully, despite not confiding in anyone, the situation was addressed, and I managed to make it to the wedding.

Acceptance of the ‘void’

Several days later, I casually shared the entire episode with one of my colleagues at work and realized that I hadn’t sensed the presence of that void for at least a week. It was almost unbelievable. A few days later, despite having a challenging day at work, I was astonished to find that I didn’t spiral into the usual loop of self-doubt. Although the day initially proved difficult, things took a positive turn in the evening when I spent time with my friend at my place. We had a few drinks followed by dinner. It was a unique experience for me as, for the first time in my life, I understood what a bad day truly looks like.

I learned that not every bad day should end with low self-esteem, suicidal thoughts, and self-doubts in all aspects of life. This was the first experience of its kind in my 34 years of life, and it helped me understand the heavy weight of depression that has been with me my entire life.

It felt as if a 15 kg weight had been lifted off my shoulders, leaving me feeling incredibly light. However, I still had to learn how to navigate life without the void, as it had been a constant companion since my childhood. Living without it was challenging, but not impossible. I discussed it with my therapist and we learned that probably I did not grieve it enough earlier and the past few months played a significant role in the grieving process. It has been two months since I have healed.

So here is to everyone suffering from any mental illness – depression, anxiety, trauma, PTSD or any other illness. “Heal, so that you do not bleed on people who did not cut you.” Pain can only be healed if it is felt and processed appropriately.

The Relapse

Just a few days ago, I realized that I had unexpectedly fallen in love with someone. What’s unusual is that this time, I wasn’t actively seeking it. I have been struggling ever since. While his work in the mental health field brings me joy and pride, it also prompts me to question my own identity. Amidst these thoughts, I was deeply triggered by something that reignited suicidal thoughts. I entered a state of heightened vigilance, with my body responding in fight-or-flight mode. It’s been four days since, and I’m focusing on easing the tension in my body. I’m taking a break, avoiding putting excessive pressure on myself to bounce back immediately, and refraining from stressing over workouts. I’m in the process of healing from this recent setback, though it may still take a couple of days to return to a sense of normalcy.

Healing

I’ve always understood that ‘Healing is not linear.’ However, I realize now that I might have set an unrealistic expectation for myself, believing that I would never experience suicidal thoughts again or feel the void, especially after being triggered. This tendency to establish impractical expectations is something we often impose on ourselves as humans. We convince ourselves that we shouldn’t harbour any expectations, be impervious to hurt, or remain so resilient that nothing and no one can affect us. Ironically, these very expectations can lead to our suffering or affect those around us. I’ve come to accept that I may encounter triggers again. I need to accept that the void in me might feel lonely from time to time. I need to keep my tools handy to not succumb to its needs. I must be vigilant about maintaining boundaries and show a bit more kindness to myself, recognizing that people will inevitably cause me pain. By keeping my guard up, I hope to ensure that the hurt doesn’t penetrate as deeply as it did this time.