Healing is a journey, not a destination

I started voicing my thoughts four years ago, renewed this blog site three years ago, and this is one aspect of my life that gives me relief and makes me feel seen and heard. This is not merely to vent my feelings but to provide hope to those who read it, share my journey, and let the world know that there is a whole story behind every person. So, don’t judge someone quickly—not just me, but all of us. We are all struggling in our ways. Choose kindness and think before you speak. Your words, labelling, bullying, judging, and isolating someone at school, college, or the workplace are not cool. You might be breaking someone’s last straw of self-esteem, which is not uncommon in our world.

I have written so many blogs about healing. Whenever I feel I am healing, I uncover a new wound, a new personality trait, a new pattern that I did not know existed. A few months into therapy with my new therapist, I thought I had mastered managing my void and loneliness. I wasn’t even having suicidal thoughts! I believed I had won the battle because there were no new patterns, and hence, no new challenges. I started healing. But barely two weeks into it, I noticed my compulsive patterns peaking like never before. I couldn’t eat and was diagnosed with OCPD. A few weeks later, my mind started playing tricks on me. Without any external triggers, I began thinking about my broken past relationships and felt sudden urges to contact them. I spiralled to the extent that I started believing my thoughts were true. Then, a couple of hours later, I would be fine. I was terrified of this new pattern. Earlier, although unsafe, I was familiar with my brain and knew what to do when triggered.

I was terrified of myself. I started dissociating because I didn’t know how to tell anyone what was going on in my mind. I have a very small circle now, and they don’t live in the same city as me. They tried their best to understand me, but I was so unstable that I got angry at them too. They are my friends, so their primary goal was to ensure I was safe. I knew I needed to create a safety net in Pune. I contacted my doctor, and he gave me a few contacts for voluntary admission. However, they required parental consent, which brought back all my fears from the US. I was scared to get admitted. What if they would not let me get out? My doctor is not in Pune. This episode lasted for about two days. I spoke to my doctor yesterday, and we decided that I should have a backup doctor in Pune who is aware of my situation. So I am going to meet this doctor very soon.

This week was super exhausting. For the past three days, I didn’t step out. All I did was therapy, consults, and gave my body and mind the rest they needed. Although my mood is still off the charts, I hope to get better in a few days with changes in my medication and therapy twice a week. My therapist and doctor say this is part of healing. I trust them, but I don’t trust myself. To be honest, I have never felt this vulnerable and scared of myself before. The next few weeks or months are crucial for my healing.

During this time of year, I’m usually excited about my birthday. But this year, I don’t want the day to arrive at all. I’m usually the saddest one day after my birthday because all the attention goes away. But this time, I don’t want my birthday to come at all. God help me! All I want is to be able to walk and exercise again, eat because I want to, not because I have to, enjoy cheesecake again, and take pleasure in eating dal rice and roti sabzi. I want the basics of my life back. It’s been too long. But as they say, healing is a journey, not a destination, and I am committed to unlocking my full potential.