It’s been a while since I wrote anything. Writing is like meditation for me. I’m in the middle of my healing process, and it’s a mess. I can’t eat anything without feeling nauseous; only liquids are passing through my body. Even protein shakes with fruits make me nauseous. I’m experiencing emotional highs and lows within short periods. I discussed all these symptoms in detail with my therapist, and he seemed to think that healing is like a pendulum ride. It will take some time to settle down.

But this journey is dreadful. I called someone I shouldn’t have. I need an early session with my therapist, and I feel like a failure. I can’t stop thinking about everything I want to tell him. Yesterday, while taking a nap in the afternoon, my mind started racing. I thought I made a big mistake by not getting an MRI scan of my brain during my trauma; how would I prove to my friends that this was real? I should have taken brain scans during the trauma and then later, post-healing, to show them it causes changes in the brain. I was mad at myself for not doing this.

I get intense stomach pain even after having a healthy protein shake, and I’m handling all of this alone. This journey is so lonely; there’s no one to hold me when I cry or when I’m in physical pain. My therapist said it will get better, but I don’t know if I will be able to hold on until then. This is just too difficult, almost as bad as the trauma itself. I want to be hugged and need someone to hold my hands and tell me I will get through this. All I have is my teddy bear to hug me while I sleep. Just now, I messaged my colleague to check on me. This journey is lonely, I have people, but I still feel lonely and it is sad. I sent her my address and asked her to check on me at regular intervals. I also asked two of my friends who are not in Pune to keep their phones on the ringer so that I can reach them in a crisis. I cry in pain thinking about the people I lost this year. Whenever I think about reconciling with them, I remember all the words that were used to define me. It might take a lifetime to get over and unhear those words and not believe them. My heart aches, and my body physically hurts when I think about everything that has happened.

I called the person I was in love with earlier this year and had a normal conversation with him. I might speak to my therapist tomorrow. I cannot understand or handle all these emotional highs and lows within a single day. My nausea, loss of appetite, mood swings, fatigue, and body pain are unbearable, and I don’t know if I am capable of handling it. I was able to handle the trauma, but I’m not sure if I can handle the healing. Or is it healing? Is it true, or am I just being kept in this loop like my people say? Will my therapist leave me too if I tell him what I feel? This time, I don’t wish to give up, but my body is giving up. I’m tired, and I want to sleep for a long time in someone’s arms who can comfort me.

Categorized in:

Healing

Tagged in:

,