I am having wine and watching The Big Bang Theory. I ordered Pav Bhaaji and Cheesecake. I feel at peace today because I have finally learned how to process and regulate my emotions. I can now continue a conversation without freezing or doubting myself. Does that mean I don’t cry during conversations? Of course not. I cry, get angry, and feel hurt because all these are emotions, and every emotion is healthy. None of us should suppress any emotion, though, unfortunately, that’s what many of us are taught from childhood.

A few events occurred in the past few days that would previously have shaken me to my core and caused me to question my self-esteem. These conflicts involved people I deeply love. But this time, something changed. During and after the conversations, I didn’t freeze or become anxious. After the calls, I didn’t feel the urge to reach out to a friend to calm myself. Yes, I cried for a little while, but I allowed myself to sit with the feeling after I was done crying. I didn’t feel overwhelmingly sad, as I used to before. This pattern repeated on three different occasions.

In today’s session with my therapist, after narrating these events, my first question to him was, “Am I suppressing my emotions again, or have I genuinely learned to process and regulate them?” The most surprising part was that, while narrating the events, I didn’t feel any discomfort in my body—something that always used to happen. I asked him, “Is this how it’s supposed to feel?” When he answered yes, I bawled. I realized that I had spent 35 years of my life in survival mode. For the first time, I was shocked to comprehend how I had managed to live, study, work, and survive through it all. We grieved together.

I keep replaying this whole year in my mind. It started with a bang. Then I relapsed. I fell in love. I had conflicts with loved ones. I lost my appetite and gained a lot of weight. I gave up on myself over and over again and truly believed I was going to die. But I am still here. That is a huge win. I feel so light and peaceful. My whole life up to this point has been a learning experience, but this year specifically has been a game changer. I never thought I would come this far, but I have. One day, my therapist told me, “I will never give up on you,” and he didn’t. My friends also played a pivotal role in this journey. These people are essential to my healing process.

Now that I’ve worked so much on my self, the next chapter awaits. My journey has not come to an end. I will continue self-work for the rest of my life because it makes me a better person. The frequency may change depending on the circumstances, but the journey will never stop.

Categorized in:

Healing