Life lately – struggles and healing

Past few months

I have not been able to write for quite some time now. The last I wrote was about a month ago. I have 9 blogs sitting in my drafts. I am scared of writing, and this is why I feel lost. Writing is life for me. It helps me connect with my emotions. This is exactly why my blogs are honest and raw, straight from the heart.

This year has been a long one for me. Every day is a long day. The only thing that keeps me going every day is my work. I have got a good manager and a healthy work environment, people who care for me and they ask about my whereabouts when I am away. I shifted to a new house on rental on June 1st. This place is closer to the office and it has good energy, I fall asleep quickly here. But I read a post a couple of days ago that mentioned that your work colleagues are not your friends and made me doubt the whole office situation. I do not feel like going to the office these days. There are several reasons behind it. My mental health has taken a toll for the past few months. It has been tough. My appetite has gone for a toss. I do not feel as connected and drawn towards the office as I used to.

Support Group

Another awesome thing that happened lately is the support group I have started. The name is ‘Healing Hearts Commune’. It is an offline support group based out of Pune. I have organized two sessions. But I will soon be starting online sessions also for the people who are not in Pune. I am very excited about this initiative. This was the first poster I published for the support group.

OCPD

I have had a habit of planning every single minute of my day for as long as I can remember. Spontaneity is not my thing. Even if I plan to go somewhere, I think about it extensively before I do it. People often use the term OCD casually. Anyone who is super organized may call themselves OCD. I’m not an expert, but as far as I know, OCD is a disorder where a person experiences uncontrollable obsessions. I’ve read and heard about severe cases of OCD, so I knew I didn’t have it. However, I do struggle with perfectionism. If I make a mistake, I feel compelled to correct everything. For instance, if I’m cutting a piece of paper and can’t manage to make a straight cut, I’ll keep trying until I succeed, even if it means cutting it so small that it becomes unusable.

During my weight loss journey, I didn’t allow myself a cheat meal for 6 months. However, over the past 6 months of dealing with depression and trauma, I’ve been eating and drinking uncontrollably and likely gained back all the weight. I have an ‘all or nothing’ mentality that has persisted for years. Others’ criticisms can still affect my self-esteem deeply. I tend to believe what others say about me and internalize it as my reality.

After working on my coping mechanisms, I raised this issue with my therapist. We discussed it extensively, and it opened Pandora’s box. I was deeply disturbed after the session because I felt I needed to change every single thing about myself to break this pattern, which seemed impossible to achieve.

A couple of days ago, I had a task due on its deadline day that should have taken only an hour or two. However, I ended up sitting with my laptop from 6 PM until 3 AM and barely wrote a word. The stress escalated the next day, so I dedicated the entire day to finishing it. Consequently, I was sleep-deprived and had a splitting headache. I have been incredibly restless for the past two weeks, mostly in my personal life where I’ve been in ‘nothing’ mode. There are so many other things that I do out of compulsion. If I don’t do it, it drives me crazy until I do it. I still order my favourite food even though I do not enjoy it at all. I sometimes feel I want to gain a sense of control but nothing is giving me control. I am feeling anxious while writing this. Two days ago, my psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCPD, which is different from OCD. Honestly, I feel a bit relieved now because I know what I need to work on. Not knowing the why was also troubling me.

For some people, lying in bed and doing nothing all day is enjoyable. However, for me, lying in bed and doing nothing doesn’t constitute rest. Instead, it leaves me feeling more exhausted because my mind is overwhelmed—I haven’t showered, completed any chores (which have piled up), or written anything. I’ve also indulged in overeating and drinking, which leads to feelings of guilt and increases my depression and anxiety.

Healing

I have the option to discontinue therapy and live life more comfortably. However, I choose not only to articulate my struggles and expose my vulnerabilities but also to actively pursue my healing journey. I seek healing because I acknowledge my imperfections. Healing allows me to deepen my self-awareness, enabling continuous growth and evolution throughout my life.