A letter to the first love of my life

Early days of our relationship

I have known you forever. You entered my life when I was young. You held my hand and gave me companionship when I was vulnerable. I was too young to say ‘no’ or understand whether you were good for me. All I knew was that you were there by my side when no one else was. Our relationship grew stronger over the years, and I learned to survive only with you. You never left me alone, and I didn’t even realize it. I always felt different from others regarding emotional outbursts and reactions to uncomfortable situations. Life happened, and I decided to work on myself. I started therapy and learned your name — Trauma. Therapy helped me identify that having you in my life is the root of so many things, and there is a long road to healing.

Identifying the toxicity

I started my journey of healing, unlearning, and learning new patterns and behaviours. It took me a long time to break free from you. I began to see how toxic you were to me. For a long time, I couldn’t imagine that I would ever heal because I didn’t know how to exist without you. Breaking those patterns was not easy. In the process, I have hurt my friends and formed toxic romantic relationships. You attract people at the same level you are, so I attracted many different toxic people. I couldn’t see it back then, but I can see it now. Hustling through these relationships caused more trauma, affecting my healing process. But I was determined to heal. I never stopped. My actual healing began last year when I realized the presence of a void in me. I had acknowledged its presence years ago, but I couldn’t focus on this aspect of healing because of ongoing traumas and episodes.

The Relapse

I relapsed into severe depression at the beginning of this year because of a heartbreak that I did not anticipate. Though I pursued him, I did not expect to fall for him. Even though I now know it was not love, I thought it was because of my unmet emotional needs. This relapse was worse than what I had gone through in the US. I was all alone here in Pune. I dissociated from everyone and once again leaned on you. I fell back into my old patterns. I lost friends, fought with my family and friends, and suffered physical and emotional pain. My health declined; I gained back all the weight I had lost and experienced PTSD. For a few weeks, I felt as if I was back in the US. While ordering food from Swiggy, I would type “Indian Food.” The environment around me smelled like the US. My therapist recently told me in one of our sessions that it might not feel like it now, but I am healing. I did not believe him at the time.

The Healing and Freedom

So, Trauma, this is for you. I am letting you go now. You were with me for almost 35 years of my life, but I am letting you go now. I am healing. I have unlearned the patterns and behaviours I learned as a child. Those were my unhealthy coping mechanisms. I have learned healthy coping mechanisms and I am implementing new behaviors. I feel as if I have been walking with this heavy weight all my life. I feel free and at peace now. The people in my life who love me have witnessed all versions of me and can see the difference in me. They stand by me and support me in my lows and cheer for me in my highs. I am finally free from you. I know you might strike again, but I am well-prepared now. I know how to use my shield, and my support system is in place in the form of my coping mechanisms, my therapist, and my friends.